Mary - Over and Over.
I have high expectations for myself and always have done since I was young always wanting to do the right thing both in my personal and work life. At 36 my drinking was so bad I drank so much during the evenings, I use to walk into work and thinking, “can they smell the alcohol?”
I would have the feeling of dread and shame where I would feel it in the pit of my stomach. A feeling that at any time you are going to get into trouble. But even knowing this I continued to do it over and over and over again. The addiction was definitely taking over.
The after-work celebration (or commiseration) of going to the bottle shop and getting two bottles, sometimes three to get my fix. My mind was always thinking, especially when I was drinking…. how much can I get away with? I was never a risk taker, so confused why I thought this. The mornings after though, that’s when the real me took over. The guilt and shame of what I could remember that I’d done and for hours thought about who I may have offended and how sick I felt. It wasn’t me; it was the alcohol.
I thought I was invincible there for a while and could get away with most things. What had I become? Where did the person I used to be, disappear to? I don’t think I can remember where the cross over from being nice, respectable girl that got drunk to have fun, to this horrible person who would do and say anything when drunk. Surprisingly, this is not when my drinking was at its worst.
This is just ONE of my stories…
I have now been alcohol free for almost two and a half years and I will never go back to the person I was, when I was at my worst.
Living an alcohol free life is hands down one of the best decisions I have ever made!