I'm at the early stages of non drinking. I'm nearly 2 years in and I still think I'm very boring. I cant get the mantra out of my brain that 'drinking is the only way to relax and have fun'. It's hard to change, rewire my way of thinking. I need more time. More sober time to accept this new way of living.
I have moments when I want to rip off my mums blouse and head bang to The Sex Pistols in a grimy underground club. I don't because there's a bullshit secret etiquette I must adhere to. A secret code of mothers, a code that none of us transcribe to, its just there in the background of our pretend perfect parenting and occasionally slipping out of the mouths of nosey old ladies in libraries. The code seems to have no right answers and no boundaries so its hard to follow. it's impossible to know when you are breaking the code... which is why mums love it so much... it gives us the right judge others that are failing. Women are fucked up like that sometimes.
I try to stick to the rules, I try and give healthy food and not smack. I don't want sneers at the school gates, so I hide my Anarchy in the UK tshirt by buttoning up my cardigan. I'm helping my community by doing this, not causing a fuss.... keeping the status quo without getting a rockers mullet. Lets just say I have started to dumb myself down since becoming a mum/sober warrior... in order to fit in. Easier for everyone.
Inside. from my heart, I want to shout out how proud I am of me, for getting dry and for being this new sober person. A sober parent. I want to fling open chateau windows like women in perfume ads and yell that I've done something amazing. I want to say to other Mums that you can do it too and we can form an army of do gooders to spread the message... take over the world. But, I don't, I hide here behind my lap top instead. I sit in a space where judgement is possible but bearable. where i'm unreachable and unapproachable, out of the way of the.mum rules. I dont want to focus on me doing well. If I'm doing well I'm scared that everything else will fail. Then the warriors crumble.
I am a non-drinker, yes - woo hoo! but it doesn't mean I am doing well at life. I mean, I shat out a sequin this morning. It floated on the water, it looked like a magical unicorn had visited my bog. I'd been doing the hateful and oh so sweary Christmas wrapping while stuffing hummus and dips in my mouth. It sparkeled bright red like Dorothy's ruby slippers as it stubbornly refused to flush down the yellow brick commode. Admittedly my flush timing is weak, I don't have patience to wait for the refill. I'm working on it.
After excreting half a Christmas tree I hit the beach in my pregnancy bikini. The suns not too hot I think inside my tiny mind (middle of summer in Australia)and I burnt my body to a crisp.(see pic) My precious bump looked like a rubber ball, it had a shine to it for three days. I do stupid things a lot. I put my reading glasses in the fridge. I talk to answering machines. I wave at ducks. I send my son to school with blocks of cheese instead of lunch. I do all sorts of silly things. dumb decisions with relatively minor consequences and occasional speeding tickets.
Now my sillies are forgettable - sober sillies I like to call them. When I compare them to my drunken sillies it makes my determination to never drink again as strong as a shot of absinthe on a Sunday morning. The things that I used to were way more dangerous, risky drinking things, foolish mistakes that could have led to rape, injury or death. Its such a massive difference to now. Shitting a sequin is much safer than sleeping with a stranger with wooden teeth and a bag of speed. Retrieving my reading glasses from the fridge is better than walking across spooky parks all alone or falling asleep in a gave yard.
Waking up, feeling good knowing that the worst I have done is go to bed without putting the dish washer on is the kind of chaotic life I'm into now. it's life - simplified. It's sobriety at its best.
Stopping drinking doesn't stop the daily grind, it doesn't stop the mundanity of caring for young children and it certainly doesn't give me a muggy feeling of being better than anyone else but it does cancel out all the shittiness, the panic, the dread, the shame and the morning after pill. it enables me to live life face on. run towards the fire because I know I can be of help. Sobriety makes me a functional person... a person that is great sometimes and rubbish at other times.
So, I break the unwritten mummy rules - the one that says I should drink wine. I'm out.
Actually - I'm not out... I'm in. I'm always in!
is it 8pm yet? wayyyy past this punks bedtime.