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Today I wrote fuck in some rice as I was cooking dinner. it made me happy. Finding weird small ways to make myself happy has been a real soul cleanser since I packed in the booze 2 years ago. It makes everyday tasks a bit more punk. It gives me the same rebellious kick that alcohol used to.
Binge thinking is how I erase the mundane from my very average life. Instead of drinking, I get thinking.
I come up with small ways I can fulfil that tiny part of me that still wants of rip off my blouse, scream Blondie - heart of Glass in to a speaker before lassoing a stranger in a seedy night club. My new ways are more innocent but just as satisfying.
I go into public toilets and pee with the door open when no one is around. Please don't tell anyone... I drive round car parks the wrong way on purpose. I spit out of my car window, I wipe bogies under the car seat and I drive through amber lights. I don't scrape the plates properly before they go in the dishwasher and worse of all.. I chuck tea bags in the sink for someone else to deal with (traitor!)
I know these things sound trivial and don't compare to the antics of the old me but, they are enough.
Binge thinking is my inner Sid Vicious saying its ok to be a little rebellious, as long as I don't harm myself or put myself at risk like I used to.
I chose to get sober because I wanted to be a better mum. Engaging in small rebellions like the above will not affect the way they see me or traumatise them. (unless I'm bog jacking in a unisex toilet covered in mens piss, that traumatising for everyone).
All my kids will ever know of me is the sober me. They don't know that I couldn't get up in the morning to care for them, they don't know that I was too hung over to move my head when they took their first steps. and now, they don't need to know. That is not who I am - that person was crazy, off the rails.
Gosh I didn't see the time - I've got shit to do... like eat some chai covered almond ball at the shops before weighing them.... its the small things!
note - do you think I need to copy right the term 'bog jacking' ?
