Losing my Inhabitions.
It sounds simple. It sounds liberating. Losing ones inhibitions is appealing. I imagine myself undoing my hair from a ponytail and in slow motion, shaking my hair loose over my shoulders. I see myself, glass in hand laughing at some hilarious quip I've made to an adoring crowd. I see a crisp glass of wine that I gently sip over a 2 hour period before I hop on a bus home, satisfied, inhibitions lost. no consequences.
But seriously - when has that ever happened? One crisp glass... my arse.
Losing my inhibitions for me meant waking up on a building site with a pair of mens socks stuffed down the from of my jeans (don't ask - I have no idea why). Losing my inhibitions means putting myself at risk. Making really poor choices and probably getting an itchy under carriage. (maybe that was just chaffing from having sex with a stranger in the bucket of a JCB?)
There were no casual drinks ending in tipsy bus rides home. I never remembered getting home. I was in black out by ten. I was away in my fog of self inflicted darkness... where anything goes. I had no control and no self care in these moments.
So, What does it mean to lose your inhibitions? ( I googled it)
When you have inhibitions, you're self-conscious and maybe a little anxious. A shy child at a birthday party might have fun only after abandoning her inhibitions and joining a game of musical chairs. An inhibition is a force that prevents something from happening—and often comes from you yourself.
The description here sounds good because it denotes a sober event where a person does something they normally wouldn't. So, alcohol (the inhibition drug) allows people to do things out of their normal comfort zone. things like, musical chairs, public speaking and allowing a person you've met 7 minutes ago put their penis into your vagina. Nice. Alcohol induced loss of inhibitions is dangerous, for me and for you, probably. It's not innocent. It's chaotic.
it does not exist. But now - with nearly two years sobriety I'm ready to try losing my inhibitions without being under the influence. it means shaking off my nerves and my low self esteem and experiencing nights out with no booze. I'm ready for this challenge, it makes me feel like I'm moving forward, evolving from the neanderthal I used to be into homoerectus superiouious (I made up the last bit)
I want to remember the connections I make. I want to feel what its like to dance to a banging tune surrounded by my friends and then recall it's brilliance the next day.
I've missed out on so much, so much from my past is forgotten, erased, brushed off the dance floor into the bin along with some stinking fag butts. It's a shame.
Time to make new memories.
Preferably ones that don't involve building sites and socks.