Being stuck between the Pub and AA

That sums me up, 7 words. Years of back and forth, drinking and not drinking. From dry Julys and sober Octobers to pissed up Christmas's and last man standing (if wonkily) at any social event. I'm a never ending hang over that knows she can do better. Having popped out a few brats in recent years has had me questioning my behaviour. Am I someone who gets a tincy wincy bit wasted every now and again or am I an Alcoholic? I'm going to write this blog to find out more about me and people like me. Stuck in a pissed up purgatory, not brave enough to reach out for help and not stupid enough to know there is a problem.

I have been to an AA meeting, it was confronting. I felt unlike these bold inspiring strangers entrenched in a daily cycle of addiction. I didn't feel like I was better, just different. My drinking is socially acceptable you see, people think I'm fun. You wouldn't pick me out as a total alcoholic in need of intervention because my drinking is absorbed into everyone else's. I can get away with it. No questions asked. An average person with a tendency to over do it.

Thats not a problem is it?

I want to use this space to track my new way of life... being sober. Can I still have fun and socialise?

My children are my reason for tying a new path. I want them to know me without being drenched in booze, too hung over to take care of them properly. There have been times where I wasn't able to be there, be a good Mum. I feel guilty. But do I deserve to get hammered at the end of the week after the grind of Motherhood has ground me down? or am I just making excuses to pour a bottle of wine down my throat on a Thursday afternoon?

I've got so many questions and will try and ask a new one everyday in the hope that staring this problem down will help me understand my very common relationship with alcohol.